You’ve got puppy problems? I feel bad for you, son…
Dear Mom and Dad,
We need to talk.
I didn’t say anything in the beginning when Mom was napping all the time. Sure – it meant less walks, but it also meant more cuddles on the couch so I was okay with it. Again, I held my tongue when Dad started rubbing your belly instead of mine. Feels good, doesn’t it?
But enough is enough…
Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?
You’re getting another dog, aren’t you? And this one is getting is much cooler crate.
I don’t know what special sort of breed this creature is, but I don’t like her already. Honestly, it’s insulting to my intelligence that you think you could hide this from me – especially considering all the stuff you already got her. Even her toys are causing problems. I don’t know what this thing does, but it lives in her room and it doesn’t respond when I bark at it. Rude. Whatever happened to common courtesy?
So you think you can replace me with a younger model, eh? Well, you’ve got another thing coming. I’m all the puppy you can handle and I’ll be suuuuuuuure to make that clear over the next few months. This little family infiltrator you call, “Charlotte”, will be no match for me.
And don’t even try to placate me with new dog toys. That may have worked when I was a young pup, but I’m 10 months old now. I’ve been around the block a few times (literally). I know what’s what.
Take THAT, brand new squeaky duck.
Just in case I didn’t make myself clear after the duck incident, let our midnight jaunt to the ER Vet be a reminder to you. I didn’t enjoy getting that bone stuck in my mouth any more than you did – but a lesson had to be learned: brand new creatures don’t like to sleep the way I do. She’ll probably whine and cry and need to be let out at 2 am.
I hope you appreciate my sacrifice. A $200 emergency vet bill is small peanuts compared to all the obedience school costs I’m sure this new one will need (not everyone is as well-mannered as I).
I know you keep assuring me that I’m going to love my new “little sister” (oh and by the way, dogs don’t even have sisters. You just sound ridiculous), but I’m not convinced.
So now that all our cards are on the table – I hope you take my concerns seriously. If not, there’s a particularly fluffy stuffed animal that will be my next victim.
(Oh did you think it’s safe because it’s on that dresser? Pffffttttttt. Child’s play.)
Your loving and loyal companion –
Stanley Winston Griffin